Intimate relationships in marriage

 This week I am going to be talking about how to better your relationship within a marriage. I will be using a lot of my information from the article raising the bar on intimate relationships by Laura M Brotherson. In this article she talks about how it can be hard to find the right balance in a marriage and what a healthy intimate relationship looks like. Brotherson says “Many husbands and wives struggle to understand what healthy sexuality really is. One wife said to me.” She gives most of her advice in a list of 10 things. 

Number one; accepting of the body. This is more gaged towards women because they tend to have more body issues, but it is important for both the husband and the wife to be able to except their bodies. If they don’t it can cause feelings of not wanting to have an intimate relationship with each other. 

Number two; affection for its own sake. This one talks about how it is important to have physical touch in a marriage that does not lead to having sex. She gives an example of a women who stopped touching her husband because every time that she would it would lead to sex. That will put a strain on a marriage. She gives another example “Men might similarly decide to stop doing something loving because it doesn’t lead to their desired outcome. It’s an issue for both spouses to consider.  Healthy sexuality means that both husbands and wives are able to enjoy non-sexual touch or affection for its own sake, not solely as a precursor.” 

Number three; agency. This involves both the husband and the wife feeling like they have a voice in the relationship. 

Number four; Bridled. Brotherson said it in the best way, “Differing needs, desires and priorities will need to be negotiated. A truly successful sexual relationship requires self-mastery and bridling of desires by both spouses. The spontaneous-desire spouse will need to exercise self-control, as well as manage their own expectations, desires and emotions. They will need to learn to find joy in cantering or trotting along to more closely match pace with their spouse—even though their inclination is to gallop.”

Number five: connection based. The intimate relationship between you and your spouse should be focused one and based upon growing the connection between the two of you as husband and wife. 

Number six; fully present and engaged. Just like it says both the husband and the wife should be fully present and not thinking or worry about other things. You shouldn’t be “just going through the motions”.

Number seven; informed and educated. Knowing the needs and wants of each member of the marriage is important in making sure that both individuals needs are being met and they have an equal relationship. 

Number eight; multi-dimensional intimacy. Brotherson said “deal sexuality has a multi-dimensional, holistic quality where there is mental, emotional and even spiritual intimacy and connection”

Number nine; mutual initiation. The relationship whether intimate or not should be equal shared by both the husband and the wife. In Brotherson’s words, “Since men generally have the higher, spontaneous desire given their biology and the extra testosterone in their system, they tend to do most of the initiating. There is also about 20% of men that function as the lower-desire spouse who may have to work on initiating just like the wives who have more of a cultivated/responsive desire.”

Number ten; mutuality. This is making sure that each person in the relationship is happy. This includes respecting the others wants and needs. 

All of these can be very helpful in making sure that you can create a healthy relationship between both the husband and the wife.